ive been using myspace for quite some time now and i think im gonna move my journal over there. i really dont like some of the past entries here and i think im gonna start over. plus myspace is alot more efficient for me.....

myspace page:
http://www.myspace.com/rottingroom

journal/blog:
http://blog.myspace.com/rottingroom

im not going to make anyone guess.

go here.... http://buddhism.about.com

yes i know. this is crazy. but im going to try. im going to change and i want this spiritual enlightenment. i know whoever is reading this right now is thinking, no way, hes crazy. but im going to do it. im done with all the negative things. i know that putting a stop to intoxicants is going to be hard for me and i will try to do that to the best of my ability. this even goes for smoking cigarettes.

first of all. im sorry that you might think that i was rude to nickol or erik but hear me out. nickol is screening my phone calls. i thought her and i were friends and she did tell me that in regards to her and yur boyfriends, she doesnt have a problem with talking things out with them and whatever. so obviously she has some problem with me now. maybe cause im a heathen. as for erik, i called him twice between 9 and 10 and he never answered the phone. why didnt he kim? i think its cause he was gonna go hang out with you guys. tony must be excluded from hanging out now cause he's a heathen that actually tried to date a spiritual girl. what a fucking moron. erik could have answered his phone and so could have nickol. im not mad at you at all whatsoever tho. ive been thinking alot about religion and i always have. ive also been thinking about the flood in new orleans. you do realize the surreal pain and suffering that is going on down there right? well it came to my attention that i dont neccassarily have a problem with certain parts of religions, most commonly religions have pretty good ideals for morals and values. what i have a problem with might be the same thing you have a problem with. you dont understand how a god could be so cruel right? such as in new orleans? such as in 911? such as in the crazy shit going in the middle east? well i agree. i have a problem with the idea of idols or icons. im not going to worship a being that wont show him or herself to me nor one that is so cruel. this is besides the fact that i need at least some evidence. faith is not good enuf for me. but this doesnt mean that im not spiritual. i find the world to be a chaotic and elaborant barrage of beauty. i want to be one with nature as cheezy as that sounds. i want to just sit in the wind and take in all the smells just like yur dog buddy. i have considered something like a religion before. infact ive mentioned many times that i will finish my life with this semi-religion before. but i havent yet because i havent felt like i would be ready for such a commitment and change. now i have a reason and its calling me with urgencies of the need for myself to be responsible. to stop killing my body. to stop being sad. to stop uncontrolled desire. i want you to take a guess as to what i might be talking about. agnosticism means that i simply do not know what to believe in. and this idoless semi-religion will still work for me to be able to exercise my so-called spiritual eyes and spiritual ears. can you guess what it is? you might laugh at first but im actually serious.

scratch that... everythings going great with kim. she actually apologized to me about the whole situation which really surprised me cause i still stand by my reaction. im taking it all with a grain of salt and its easy. so is everything lately, things are just kind of going my way. im making money, ready for school, happy and my sex life is the best its been in a while.

DOWN IS THE NEW UP

well things didnt work out with kim and its funny why. she feels that she has made some bad decisions with her life and that one of those bad decisions has to do with having sex with me. shes a christian and actually thinks that our sexual chemistry is bad in light of that or something. i told her "you know, you can come over and we can just watch a movie or something, we dont have to have sex". but i guess that wasnt good enuf for her. its nice though that even tho things have fallen thru i really dont have any grudges against her. its sad that i have to put her in the same cest pool of fundies that ive spent my whole life ignoring. just because you dont want to use logic and reason to determine how you should react in day to day situations doesnt mean you should impose or play with your beliefs when it would affect other people. the most akward and stupidest phone conversations i ever had. hope she can figure out what can make her happy. you fundies all need to realize that yur morals and acts in life shouldnt be spent with the lord in mind. you should do everything for yourself and yur morals should have been paved by our way of life and society in this day and age. not by some omens in a book cause all that is is a non-thinkers way of acceptance. or in other words "i dont kill, steal, cheat or lie just because i love god". now thats bullshit.

everythingisokay.

last night i was feeling some ocd for some reason. doesnt mean i went on a cleaning spree. obsessive compulsive thoughts. didnt act anything out. neway... the guitar sounds like shit. maybe hang out with kim..... haircut on the lawn. more thoughts of money in hand, transfers to bank (laughs the whole way). you dont have to get it.

ZONE.

i feel fucking wierd right now. almost soul less. everythings all just so fucking obscure to me anymore. i just got my job back at peking palace after a short stint working for the mall im banned from. im so generally relieved to be getting that job back cause god knows about the amount of drugs, entertainment and responsibilities i could afford when i used to work there. im definately looking forward to that. in other news, ive met a wonderful and isnt it funny, i always do. im not supposed to think anything of it this time tho. eh, whatever its amazing to me and im flooded with mixed emotions about it. to make matters more pressing tami has been getting hold of me and low and behold that immature girl is obviously more intrigued that i have met someone that im enjoying my time with.

fucking writing this shit is fucking with my head, im hearing fucking voices. im completely fucking nuts. i wish i could just shoot myself in the temples when i feel this way. is it all the alcohol ive been drinking? whatever.

you really freak me out
im so afraid of you
and when i lose my cool
i dont know what to do

life is grandiose.... mixed emotions that come out of nowhere, meaningless emotions

the things i go gaga over.... people and their bullshit promises and claims.... its not their fault. im just one of the few that means what they say. im a sincere fella and its not fair that im one of the only people who feels that they need to approach this bullshit world with this attitude. but its okay, i understand where you come from, fellow person

and then i rant.... and rant .. and rant... not really making sense.... just a stream of thoughts that pick at me. and no one knows how to pick on me better than myself.

crumblin.....

some one new and i expect zero. nothing will come of this for i prefer to still have myself in the end. and if SOMthing does come of it.... i will remember.... not to forget, that nothing is important.

WATER

Date:	2005-07-09 19:52
Subject:	okay....
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	pumpkins again

if you care, dont worry about me. im over all that bullshit, infact i dont care at all. twas not love mate, i just get a little confused between the difference between love, lust and infatuation. whatever tho. tonight im going out to drink with some girls as convenient as that may seem. so im done being crzy and honestly i dont like being that way so i swear im never going to open up to a girl again til im 100% sure that shes not gonna, well.... fuck me up. cuz im so sick of putting myself in that situation. its fucking trajic.

emptiness is lonliness, lonliness is cleanliness, cleanliness is godliness and god is empty// JUST.. LIKE.. [ME]!


ugh, im so tired...... sleep !!

Date:	2005-07-08 16:26
Subject:	mellon collie and the infinite sadness
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	the pumpkins

so amazing, its about lost personality, being a fake person, hope, passion and how all these things transcend into love which can be either be wonderful or dreadfully meaningless. i feel a newfound substantial respect for billy corgan as an artist and poet. this past relationship has done a number on my heart for several reasons. i felt an uneasy lovliness for her that reminded me a past love so wonderful. i shifted out from my dull drib of another day, another day. this is what life was til she had come around, as pathetic as that may be. i was walking out of the excuses and ready to take on things with new perspective and goals, then a sudden abruption took me into quick oblivion as i was just proclaiming my love. i stored myself into my room and new songs id written became meaningless, i sat, i cried.... i found out that i was a piece of shit for my insecurities. then someone came along that had indifference and was able to tell me the truth about the situation. he told me she didnt feel the same way, her silence is secret. i was easy to make invisible and she easily saw through my clothes, my skin, my guts, my heart, right through me. someone came between us, this early, this easily. SO THEN IT WASNT ME..... maybe, it was my lonliness.... but i know for sure that it was her. Shes crazy and easily distracted and simply was ok with being careless with someone who she didnt realize was as real as i am. Still silent and forgetting me shes likely to move on digressing with such unproductive methods to this game of life. im otherwise a better person now. never again to proclaim fake love until i meet someone whose heart can occupy the same space as mine.

thank you billy.

turns out ive been spending 4 days thinking im fucked up and did something wrong and feeling like shit about it when all along collette was seeing someone else. the problem was that shes a total bitch..... i fucking hate her.



FUCK COLLETTE :)

Date:	2005-07-07 01:07
Subject:	an oppurtunity to tell my side, since i never got a chance to....
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	silence, fans buzzing

so, there is this girl. ive been kickin with her for like 3 weeks and its been fucking awesome. gosh, you know i liked it so much that i actually was falling in love with her. its been a long time since i had felt this way about someone and for someone who has been through so much dramatized bullshit in relationships (as you can tell from past entries) might be a little scared at the prospect of being in a serious relationship like the one i was in. sure, things may have ended up better than that but in drunken stupors its hard to tell whether something im doing is worth it when a relationship is the perfect reminder of such a significant part of my past. its shaped up who i am today and the person i am today cant be in a serious relationship anymore. im able to be in these flings like ive been over the past years as long as the girls i spark interest in arent interesting enough to warrant sticking around. the one ive been seeing is different though. her eyes, her hair, her taste and the fun i had made her so much more compelling than those "flings". so falling in love was what i was doing and with that my crazy mind grew more frightened at the person i become in a serious relationship. this girl was making me weak. i dont drop and do nice things for people all the time. thats just not me, maybe alot of other people are likely to go for that, but i dont. i was uncomfortable looking into those eyes. shes a beautiful bisexual. i simply could not handle the emotions and decided to break up with her, or at least break things off. there were other things too. the night this all happened she said she was at a movie with this guy named cris who she "has" no interest in. im aware, however; that he has an obsessive interest in her. she was going to this movie with kaitlin and her boyfriend derrik. now, im sure some might say that this is no big deal, but to me it was and it was agreed that it was so when i spoke about it to my friends who have supported me for all my life. she also wants to work in a strip club as a waitress..... um bad. bisexual girlfriend works in strip club? hard to accept for me. those were the main reasons. when i talked to her on the phone though i didnt want to break up. i just wanted to address these problems and she sort of suggested that we arent seeing each other anymore in the form of a question. i said i must speak to her tonight and she asked if it was an ultimatum. i simply agreed but never really meant it. i was just stressing the importance of all this cause these were all simple things that could be talked about. she never showed up and i sent her some text messages telling her i was sad about the situation. i called the next day because she said we woudl talk the next day. she refused to speak about it and said she was busy and that we would talk the next day. i sent her more messages, now kicking myself cause of all these hints at her not wanting to have anything to do with me. i called the next day and her phone was off all day due to dead batteries. i tried several times to get a hold of her with no success. when i finally did she said that she doesnt want to talk now and said she had to get off the phone. i sort of begged for some cooperation and she refused. today i sent her a couple more messages saying that she needs to talk to me now cause i cant spend anymore time being sad about this. she hasnt returned my call. my last message said that its sad she doesnt want to talk but maybe we can be friends in the future..... personally, i think this is all a bit unfair. i regret trying to break things off and she knows that. other than that mistake i have been really great to her. she has been telling me this entire time that she likes me soooo much and ive been doing everything i can to please her every single day. i tended to her when she was sick. i went to the store for her. i changed her tires: balancing, changing rims. i got her a rose. i was gentle with her. we had great sex. i listened to her poetry. i wrote a couple songs about her. i kissed her the best i could. all of this was the best i could do and it was not enough to make her want me. here is the letter i wrote to her and sent to her in leu of not being able to tell her how i feel. she has yet to read it i believe, otherwise i would have expected a response.

i am sorry about what i have done. perhaps ive pushed you away and that wasnt my intention. we have already found out that i am an insecure person and i really want to work on that with you, like you said. i know im falling in love with you and that is really what this is all about. when i say that i am falling in love i am not fucking around. i am serious, im not some immature kid who doesnt know what love is as you may think. im so sorry that my insecurities thus far have been lashed out on you, unfairly. my experiences with the only other person i have felt this way about have taught me that the only people i can really trust are myself, my family and my guy friends. thus far, no girl has proven to me otherwise. if you say that i should be able to trust you then i really want to. i know that you want to hang out with your guy friends and that you are an independent woman and all. i suppose i have alot of things i need to work on within myself and i would love to have you there with me to figure all of that out. you are so beautiful and unique and right now as i lay in bed all i can think about is you and how much i regret saying what i did. you are not just some song that i want to save and store on my computer. i want to have a relationship with you and with a successful relationship comes trust, loyalty and communication. yeah, my method of communicating was pretty bizzare but i think i have gotten my point across. i promise that such methods will never be used by me again when dealing with any issues with you cause you really deserve better and i know i can do better for you. im a fool for being so rash and although i have been honest with you, im honestly a moron for not thinking things through before i spoke out and said things to you. i should be honest, but not THIS honest cause all this is doing is hurting any chance we had at a relationship. here's some honesty, i was drunk.... i knew what i was saying but i only said it cause of the state of mind i was in. im not some rude drunk either and i really dont know why such things have come out of my mouth while being intoxicated. please give me one more chance to prove myself and i promise it will be worth it to you. i love you and want to know more about you. you are the sex.

and thats the letter. all i have been is honest with her this entire time and also made it clear that being in a relationship with me would be difficult but worth the effort. still not enuf for her. what more can i do? there simply is nothing, i have tried everything. i am dry.

fuck the government, fuck the law, fuck education, fuck halo, fuck this apartment, fuck the heat, fuck these bladder infected cats, fuck yur mom, fuck the internet, fuck my dreams, fuck soda, fuck the gutair, fuck my cheezy songs, fuck pretty girls, fuck them all, fuck bread, fuck putting bread in stupid fucking bags, fuck doctors, fuck prescriptions, fuck emphyzeema, fuck spelling, fuck eating, fuck cigarettes, fuck pot, fuck emo, fuck screamo, fuck me, no, fuck time, fuck space, fuck the world, fuck aging, fuck spelling for good measure, fuck being a good person, fuck being a bad person, fuck being an asshole, fuck assholes, fuck fucking assholes, fuck being polite, fuck trying, fuck yur face, fuck sleep, fuck my alarm, fuck computers, fuck programming, fuck cell phones, fuck texting, fuck aim, fuck boogers, fuck snoring, fuck yur dog, fuck emptying yur fucking bread crumb filled fuckin garbage fucks, fucking fuck fuck, fuck me, fuck you, fuck me, fuck doing my hair, fuck showers, fuck being dirty, fuck the fan, fuck the consequences of fucking the fan, fuck the consequences of not having a fan, fuck consequences and especially FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry if this was too much for some of you but i hate you all. btw, fuck you.

last night i lit fireworks and i fucked things up.

im going to just let things be and see how it goes.... the question here has been should i:

1) give this a chance and see if i dont get my heart broken
or
2) dont give it a chance and avoid getting my heart broken

altho 2 is safer.... 1 is alot more interesting so i think that'll be the way.

anyways..... got stuff to do.... peace.

Date:	2005-06-30 11:40
Subject:	push vs shove
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry
Music:	mum - we have a map of the piano

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!

thank you tami for making me such a doof.

finally got something going that i like and its not working. i cant put my finger on it but its all my fault. im just too much of a head case and cant just let things be. well..... obviously im incapable and i should just call it off cause i suck!

Date:	2005-06-29 19:32
Subject:	wtf is wrong with me.....
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

side a:

i have finally found someone that i am intensely in love with and im so fucking scared that i cant control my emotions. once again! and nothing wrong has happened.

im not sure i should get into this cause its gonna tear me apart i can already feel it. i dont need to be in love and i dont want to be in love. im not ready for this and all i want is to take care of my own things first cause i already have enuf to deal with. its not her fault and i dont think she should be with me cause i will go crazy. i sit here and write this and honestly cant believe that i have the courage to be this true to myself with how i feel. tony from two years ago would definately allow this to go on. he would fall hopelessly in love and destroy himself.

side b:

darling... i am a confused boy and i think im going to ignore side a. a part of me thinks that im the worst person in the world and that i should live a life in lonely termoil. but then i know that i have a part of me that is good and just wants to be loved. that part of me also thinks that it wasnt me that was bad..... it was tami. she drove me crazy and maybe, just maybe you are different than she is. maybe you'll show me what true love is and i will truly be happy. music would sound so wonderful to me and i would finally be happy. so what i will do is give you a chance. a chance to show me that i can love someone, cause i already know that if anyone is that person then it has to be you. although this is an obvious contradiction to side a i believe the main differences are that this is not the tony from two years ago, you are not tami and this can and probably will turn out completely different than that horrid relationship.

exit:

this has helped clear my mind.

my stomach feels wierd.

not surre...... am i....

falling in love again.

trouble.

or maybe its a good thing..... feels like it

well, i havent updated in a long time. there really isnt anything i want to say hear but things are generally going pretty well. some bad stuff has happened too but i guess thats just life. im gonna get a degree in computer science in animation. um.... yay.

what a bad day.

not good.